Humble thoughts

My house is a mess.

There are dirty clothes on every bedroom floor, and dishes in my sink. My laundry is piled up high. Every time I look at the kitchen counter, all I see are the stuck on crumbs and sticky finger prints. Crusted on to the stove top are the remains of last night's dinner.

I snapped my eyes shut and walked away, up here to my bed where I can lay still for a bit while Clare naps. The mess is driving me crazy, yes, but I can't will myself to stay upright long enough to do anything about it. And that is really saying something...

Pregnancies (at least these last 2) have a way of truly humbling me. No matter how badly I want to keep up with things or push past the nausea, some days I just can't. And it is a very dark place for me. To be laid so low, so incapable. I have wrestled with this in my mind, day after day, begging the Lord to help me submit to His will for my life joyfully.

Because He is allowing it, is He not? And He loves me, and is working for my good. I know this. But in the very dark moments, late at night when the *morning* sickness is at its worst, I am weak and I forget. I'm kind of having deja vu here...oh yeah, been there before I guess. :)

A few days before I discovered this new little life, Dave and I were thinking and praying about what God had for our future. We both felt so very blessed and sure that He was leading us down a new road, that He had something new for us in store. We were praying about what that might be, and excited about the possibilities. Little did we know, He was already at work and intricately weaving our child's life, a fourth blessing. This was an unexpected gift, yet such a far cry from what we thought this next year or two would hold.

And so, we attempted to mentally switch gears a little, to embrace this plan of His.

I am very thankful for a God who has a plan. I'm especially thankful that He asks hard things of me, and that even if I wouldn't necessarily want to walk down a hard road, He will nudge me along and teach me His ways. How to live humbly. To realize more fully all my inadequacies. To beg for His help to do this job He has given me to do.

I actually made it to Bible study this morning, and it was like a breath of fresh air. Just to be surrounded by God's Word and others who love Him. The book of Isaiah has been challenging and convicting, just what I need.

Because sometimes when you're going through a trial, the fluff just doesn't cut it, you know? You need to see God, to understand Him more, to catch a glimpse of His character. You need to be reassured of His love. And of His power and strength.

In Isaiah 42, God says that for a long time He kept silent and held Himself back (v. 14). He did not immediately punish His enemies, He did not immediately cast out His people when they stopped following His ways. The Lord has ultimate self-control, and even when the circumstances are stormy and the trial is great, this does not reflect on His ability to calm the storm. If He were as emotionally charged as I am, He would probably bend to any plea for relief that I might make. But He waits...because He can hold Himself back and persevere to fulfill His plan. He loves me enough to do what is best for me. And ultimately for Him, for His glory.

That is one thing I have been struck by in the book of Isaiah - God's glory. It is so very important to Him! Verse 8 says,

I am the LORD; that is My name!
I will not yield My glory to another
or My praise to idols.

In chapter 44, God proclaims that He is the only God, that treasuring anything other than Him is worthless. This is the irony of the situation, that we as humans would choose to essentially worship the things that we do or accomplish or create, rather than the One who really deserves our praise. {For myself, keeping a home or making healthy, gourmet meals...or being a fun mom}

It is in the quiet moments, sometimes in the midst of a dark trial, that everything gets stripped away, and there is nothing left that we can do or perform, our strength is gone...and we become very aware of who we are before the Lord God.

I am counting on this broken little life to give Him glory. At least, that is my prayer for this pregnancy, and this journey of motherhood. For Him to strip away all that I can do or accomplish in my own strength and teach me more of Himself. Because when I look back over my 32 years, the difficult periods of life have been the times of growth, when the Lord has seemed very near to me. I haven't always understood what He is doing, nor do I have all the answers now, but He has always been faithful to me, and to His character.

I'm holding tight to that today.

{Clare just joined me in bed, and as we snuggled up together in post-nap sweetness, she noticed the wind was howling outside my window. The wind is talkin', she says... I love 21 month olds. :) }

Count down

17 days to go, my ticker says. I find myself alternating between being anxious to see things get going and secretly hoping that I have awhile yet. I know what I'm getting into, after all!

We are staying busy and enjoying these last carefree days before baby arrives (and rocks our world a bit :). Cousin time. Play dates. Walks to the park up the road. Playing in the sprinkler since the weather has been so nice. We are having a good time, if you can't tell!













I had fully intended to have Simon potty-trained by now, but having friends live with us put that temporarily on hold. And he wasn't AT ALL interested either, so I knew it was going to be a challenge. So wouldn't you know that he is interested all of a sudden, right when I am a few weeks from due??!!! I just shake my head at this kid...

This morning he woke up dry, went potty, and stayed dry all morning! Wore Lightning McQueen underwear for several hours, in fact. Then he just totally lost interest for the rest of the day. And since this wasn't my idea (I don't really WANT to potty train right now!), I don't really care. I just let him put diapers back on. Am I a crazy mom, or what????!

So this is my life right now - stuck in limbo until this little one decides to make an appearance. :)

Baby shower

I'm almost term! On Sunday I will hit 37 weeks, and I cannot put into words how ready I am! Even though there is plenty of things to do to keep me busy, I am longing for the day when I can just stop all the doing, and just hold my sweet daughter.

Last Saturday my sweet friends threw me a baby shower on my sister-in-law Kim's back porch. It was a perfect setting - and almost perfect weather!

The food was amazing - chicken salad sandwiches, shrimp, marinated cheese cubes, chicken pasta with roasted red peppers, fruit salad, and more...

and the champagne cakes were to die for!

Shawna, Alex, Jessie and Lynn

Penny, Ashlee, Doris

Yes, it was Shawna and Lydia who threw the shower.....how did you guess?????!! :)

I received so many beautiful things - it was so fun to open each gift and imagine a little girl wearing all that stuff!

Jessie shared the sweetest devotion about how God sees and knows this little one I'm carrying - and that He designed her for a purpose. So incredible to think about!

She reminded me that when we studied the names of God this past year in Bible study, El Roi, the God Who Sees, was my favorite one. It meant so much to me at the time, because of certain things I was going through, to be able to cling to that characteristic of the Lord, that He sees and knows everything that is going on in my life.

Just like Hagar recognized that about Him - she had been treated unfairly by Abraham and Sarah, now she had a child and the circumstances looked bleak, and she found herself running away. But the Lord pursued her and promised to bless her. Her part was to simply obey.

He knew. He knew all the trials and hardships she had faced and would face. He was actively watching out for her, and she could trust Him because of that.

I love this about the Lord! My El Roi watches me too - and the little ones entrusted to me and Dave.

My part is just to obey Him...and to leave the circumstances up to Him.

There are plenty of difficulties in parenting (some that I don't even know about yet!), but when we rest in knowing that the Lord is watching out for our children - (that He cares more deeply for them than we even do!) - we can just enjoy them for the gifts that they really are!

How precious to be given another gift - a daughter to raise!

me with Lydia & Shawna

Reagan & me...I win!

me and Shawna

Belly shot!

The shower was such a fun time - I enjoyed every bit of it!

Thanks to everyone who helped with the preparations. I have some very sweet friends, don't I????!

Nesting

Sonja got me motivated to break out my sewing machine this week, and it was just the push I needed to get started on my list. You know, my list of things to do before the baby comes.... yeah, it's a long one. :) It feels so good to have made some headway on some projects so far this week!

We got a coat of paint on the baby room walls last night - it's Ralph Lauren's Verona Pink from their vintage masters collection. And today I sprayed a coat of white on the crib and guest bed headboard. Remarkable how dirty and dinged up a crib can get between children!

My end of the sewing projects are almost done (a lady on etsy.com is making most of the bedding and Sonja is making a quilt out of the same fabrics). Here's my stack of burp clothes and some throw pillows for the guest bed to match the crib bedding. So fun!







Ruth, I made you some burp clothes too! I'll try to get them in the mail this week.




Of course, all of this is going on amidst leaking washer valves, huge plumber bills, basement carpet pad removal (just a little bit, thankfully!), the NCAA tournament games, a weekend away with my hubby, and just about a zillion other things.

Life is moving fast right now!

34 week update

Saw my midwife yesterday, and I'm still measuring a week ahead. Praying that it holds true! I am so DONE with being pregnant right now. :)

Even though I have plenty to do to keep me busy until then, I'm sure. There's a room to paint pink, and lots of sewing to do. And the crib needs a fresh coat of paint too...

It's time for nesting!

This week I've been working on getting the house settled and rooms moved around. The Marshalls moved out last weekend, and so now it feels like our house is just huge! The boys are so excited to be back in their old room again...Simon kept saying, "Thank you, Mommy, for my bed. Thank you! I looooooove it." He was very into the details as we were moving everything back in - arranging things and neatly stacking toys in the closet. He is so very different than Ethan - it is interesting to see his personality come out.





Yesterday when he woke up from his nap, he came over to the couch to cuddle with me. He laid his head on my belly, hugged me, and said, "I love my baby sister."

So sweet.

And then he asked, "Can I teach her how to run faster than Ethan when she comes out?"

I am just so curious how she will fare in this house full of boys - will she be a total tomboy???? :) Because honestly, the two brother dynamic is so different than just one. If the boys are apart, they are so much calmer. We notice a huge difference when Dave or I take just one of them along on errands. But put the two of them together, and there is immediate competition of some sort...to see who can be the loudest, the silliest, the strongest, etc... it is crazy!

And I know that it's only the beginning....

Ahhhh, Friday night. I love the beginning of the weekend - it's just so full of promise.

Mine started early this week, since my niece offered to watch the boys for the day. I was able to meet Dave for lunch and do some shopping all alone - a rare treat! And since I had the time, and Dave is always saying I should, I called and scheduled a pregnancy massage in the afternoon. Oh my goodness, I cannot believe how good I feel now. She did something to my left shoulder (in the back, she kinda pushed on my scapula and the muscles around it) that moved something... and instantly a lot of the pain I've been feeling went away. Just the other night I was crying to Dave about how I really don't know how I can make it 8 more weeks like this (or more!)... I have been so uncomfortable that I felt like I was loosing my mind!

We're sitting here, vegging, and I'm telling Dave about my massage. "Ok," he says, "you should get one every week."

Hahaha....what a sweetie. Probably not going to happen, but still sweet of him to say!

Pregnancy update

About a month ago when I was sick with a throat infection, I called my OB office to try to get an appointment....only to find out that, as of that day, my OB was no longer at that practice. They didn't give any details, and still won't....and believe me, I've tried to get the juicy details out of them. Everyone gives me the same scripted answer, they don't know why he left, blah, blah, blah...

Yeah, right. :)

So now I'm looking for a new doctor. At least I have a few weeks, right???!

I met one of the new physicians in the practice a couple weeks ago, and she was really sweet. I liked her a lot. She was really engaging and easy to talk to - and I felt more free to talk about certain things because she's a woman (I have gone to a male OB-GYN for a loooong time...why is that again???). The only thing is, because my doctor left unexpectedly, she was asked to start several weeks earlier than she was planning to - because she has a 6 week old newborn at home, you see (her first).

Ummmmmm, I honestly feel sorrier for her than I do for myself. She's not even sleeping right now! (And that begs the question, do I really want an OB who isn't sleeping????)

Oh, and the other thing? I not sure, but I have a feeling that we are about the same age. Either that, or I might even be OLDER than her! Now that is just a bizarre feeling...

So today was my 30 week appointment, and I opted to see one of the midwives in the practice. It was a great visit - and I'm kinda leaning towards staying with her. And she's definitely older than me, so that helps...

On another note, my hemoglobin level was low at my last blood draw (28 weeks), so a few days the office called and told me to buy some iron supplements. Ugh...I am so not taking those. I can't even get down the prenatals most of the time right now. Let's just say my gag reflex is a little sensitive.

So I tried some black strap molasses on the advice from the lady at the health food store. Big mistake. A tablespoon of that nasty stuff is waaaaay worse than a big pill. Jessie, why didn't you warn me???? :)

So today I'm going to research some alternative ways to get more iron in my diet. Any advice for me? It needs to taste good though!

Another fun fact - I measured 32 weeks today ... hopefully I will go early!

I know, I know, I know....

I feel so bad. I really do. Ideally, I would not have left you hanging like that, I promise! Teasing you with my fun, new info. One of you even called this morning, just to make sure everything was okay. What a sweet reminder of the care and concern of our many dear friends. We are so blessed to share our lives with you!

It honestly wasn't my intent to wait until this afternoon to post my news. I've just been running like crazy. I got my mom and my sister called on the way home from the sonogram, but then kids were crying, the new snowfall was calling, the answering machine was full of messages that needed to be returned, and dinner needed to be started since we were having guests over. You know how it goes. Some of my very dearest friends didn't even get called before my sweet husband (love you!) posted the news on facebook. Haha! It was not intentional - I promise! (He took it down, after I called him, in case you're looking :).

We were up late Christmas shopping online - good grief, we are a little behind! And then we hit the ground running early this morning again, with the church to decorate for our MOPS Christmas party tomorrow. Then it was sledding fun in the front yard again (which means, mom runs around up and down the hills, pulling the sled behind her. Uh, huh, that's right. I am a FUN mom!), followed by hot chocolate, lunch, and - finally! - nap time.

So here I am - 1:45 pm - with my lunch and my laptop, ready to tell you my news. But you probably already know by now!

I am such a loser. But this is life, right?

Anyway, without further ado....



It looks like pink is in my future, after all!!!!! I am still in shock - was so not expecting that!

We are beyond excited - and amazed at the tiny 13 oz girl we watched kicking around inside of me yesterday. I still can't get over it. I am going to have a daughter, people! She was laying there, all stretched out, with her legs extended, one arm behind her head...very cool, this one. It made me laugh. And yes, cry. But I am NOT more emotional this time around - I swear, I am not! :)

Thanks for hanging in there, and for all the love and prayers. 20 more weeks, and you can meet her!

Today's the day!!!

Refer to the poll on the left. :)

Oh, Christmas tree, Oh, Christmas tree...

We decorated the tree tonight. The boys have been impatient with anticipation, but we wanted to wait for an evening when we could all do it together. And it ended up being really special, so I'm glad we did. The boys are just in awe of everything Christmas - from their toy nativity set to the stockings hung with care - and it is so fun to see their wonder at the beauty of a Christmas tree.

We bought a real one this year, a fraser fir. I have to admit, it smells like Christmas now. But I think I have vacuumed every day since we got it. Ugh...give and take, I guess.

This little one inside is moving a lot these days - I am almost 18 weeks now. I saw my doctor this afternoon for a general visit, and he said I am measuring right on. So probably no twins, for those of you who have asked. :) I am just fat. Although technically the 5 pounds that the scale says I have gained shouldn't make me look so fat, but it is what it is, right? I guess we'll see if this pregnancy workout video delivers like it promises.

Ha!

No puking today. I feel absolutely glorious, and at least a little hopeful that this is a good sign of things to come. My doctor just chuckled at me, and said that in his opinion, morning sickness itself is a good sign and it makes him very optimistic. Thanks, doc. Just what I wanted to hear. :)

My sono date is set for a week from Tuesday. I can hardly wait to take another peek at this little one!

In the Quiet Moments

The house is finally quiet. The boys have been asleep for an hour, and Dave is playing basketball. Here on the couch, underneath a warm blanket, I have almost forgotten how discouraged I felt several hours ago. My mind wants to be done with the bothersome parts of pregnancy, and
Dave and I at the MOPS hoedown this fall

to be able to just fully enjoy the coming of this little one. But apparently I have a different path to walk this time.

I usually don't feel like writing anything about this (I like to blog on the good days), but I was realizing today that by saying nothing, I am leaving out a big part of my life right now. And this blog is supposed to be my journal. I forget the purpose sometimes - in sharing only the "good", I am leaving out many of the moments where the Lord is actively teaching me something. Whether it's pretty or not, I really do want a way to remember the path the Lord is taking me down, whether it is the way I would have chosen or not. :)

Today I had to intentionally remind myself of this as I was bent over a grocery cart, contracting (probably just from dehydration) and trying to be a patient momma to my boys. The Lord has chosen this for me - morning sickness, contractions, boys who need lots of reining in, and all. Whether or not I would have chosen this kind of pregnancy, He is here. He is so very near to me. And He is working in my life. I am clinging to that today.

We've been studying the names of God in our Bible study, and today, Jehovah-jireh has been on my mind. God revealed Himself to Abraham in a unique way on Mount Moriah. Without questioning, without hesitation, Abraham willingly obeyed God at great cost to himself. He would be giving up his son, his hope for God's fulfilled promise. But despite the circumstances, he simply obeyed and looked ahead for the provision of God.

And He met Jehovah-jireh there. The God Who Will Provide, or literally, the God Who Will See to It.

Making Home, a blog I really appreciate, shared a portion of this My Utmost for His Highest devotion by Oswald Chambers on the life of Abraham yesterday:

God’s command is, "Take now," not later. It is incredible how we debate! We know something is right, but we try to find excuses for not doing it immediately. If we are to climb to the height God reveals, it can never be done later— it must be done now...

"So Abraham rose early in the morning . . . and went to the place of which God had told him" ( Genesis 22:3 ). Oh, the wonderful simplicity of Abraham! When God spoke, he did not "confer with flesh and blood" ( Galatians 1:16 ). Beware when you want to "confer with flesh and blood" or even your own thoughts, insights, or understandings— anything that is not based on your personal relationship with God. These are all things that compete with and hinder obedience to God.

Abraham did not choose what the sacrifice would be. Always guard against self-chosen service for God. Self-sacrifice may be a disease that impairs your service. If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; or even if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him. If the providential will of God means a hard and difficult time for you, go through it. But never decide the place of your own martyrdom, as if to say, "I will only go to there, but no farther." God chose the test for Abraham, and Abraham neither delayed nor protested, but steadily obeyed.

I have been tempted to say, many times this past week, "I don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't know if I can survive this." Haha! Not that I have the choice or anything, but obviously, I like to complain. :) Seriously, if I were to choose my own "sacrifice for God" I

Jere and Reagan went with us - you can see my pregnancy belly at about 12 weeks here

know it wouldn't include puking, exhaustion, and feeling generally useless! No, I'd rather serve Him with energy and passion - I can think of a million things I'd rather do "for Him." It's probably a good thing it's not my choice! :) But instead I can view these months as my path of obedience - not just in order to hold another sweet little one in my arms, but also because this is what He's asked of me. And because His way is always best - no matter what it looks like. And because I am getting to know my God in a more intimate way as we walk this path together. I am so thankful to be learning His names - I feel so safe with Him, knowing that He is watching and sees my every need.

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." Proverbs 18:10

Trust

Thanks for all the prayers - I have had some really good days (by new standards, anyway) but there have been some not so good ones mixed in there too. Currently I'm on the couch, trying to hold down my dinner. Aren't you glad you know that?

Here's what's been going on in our world:

• Friday I had my first experience watching someone else clean my house for me. It was surprisingly easy to handle, and I did not feel the least bit of guilt as I sat and watched my boys play outside while she scrubbed the floors. Reveals a little of how I'm feeling these days, that's for sure. It was the most wonderful thing to have a totally clean house - all at one time. It's been awhile. I'm not sure who enjoyed it more - Dave or me - he's been pretty shocked at the state of things around here.

• Friday evening my parents came into town for the weekend. Ethan played his last soccer game on Saturday morning, and they wanted to be here for that. After the game, Aunt Kim took the kids to a parade, and we had a late breakfast out with Mom and Dad. Then we watched OU lose - there were a few sad people around here....

• We spent the afternoon watching Dad pitch to the boys in the backyard and talking about the economy. Then we headed back to the church where soccer is held for the awards ceremony and dinner. And then comes the fun part....

• Let me back up. About a week ago, I was sitting out in the garage watching the boys ride their bikes in the driveway. I happened to lift up a box in the corner of the garage (it just looked odd, the way it was positioned...believe me, I wasn't snooping around!) and I stumbled upon a bag of party supplies...with a "Look who's 30!!" banner among other things, streamers, plates, cups, etc... I immediately hid it again, but the damage was done. I wasn't anticipating a party before that, but I decided to keep it a secret, and let Dave have his fun. :)

• So when we got home from the awards ceremony, I walked into my basement filled with over 50 of my dear friends and family. Sorry to disappoint you all that I wasn't more surprised. :) Great job on everything - it was a wonderful time, regardless!

• And Dad made a video of my life so far. It was so sweet - I have definitely lived a blessed life.

• Monday I had my first OB appointment. I had forgotten how long those go, or I never would have attempted to bring the boys along. Two words - pap smear. Okay, now you know what an idiot I am! :) And then no one could find the baby's heartbeat by Doppler, after 10 minutes of trying...and my kids are asking, "Why can't they hear it, Mommy?" over, and over, and over again. Good times. Finally the nurse practitioner snagged another doctor in the office to do a quick sono, to make sure everything's okay. At this point, I am unsure how I will explain to my children why there isn't a heartbeat. Why, oh why, did I bring them again???? Ethan is waaaay too aware of what is going on.

• Anyway, the sono showed our darling little one, moving all over, bringing its fist to its mouth. Heart rate was 150. It's a boy again - I just know it!

I felt the Lord's presence with me in that sono room - so unsure of what I was going to see on that screen. But the boys' Sunday School verse came to mind,

"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You."
Psalm 56:3

I know with a certainty that this little one is held in our Heavenly Father's hands. He is Elohim, the Creator of our child. He is El Elyon, the Most High God. Nothing touches this child without His consent. And He is El Roi, the God who sees every detail of its life, even the things to come. The name of the Lord truly is a strong tower that we can run to and be safe! Safe from the burden of worrying about the unknown. Safe from the "what-if's" that surround us. Safe from the need to know the future. It is all in His hands. I think I will choose to trust in the name of my God!